Visitors Demand Refunds After Discovering Pacific Is Not A Theme Park

VENICE BEACH, CA —

A group of out-of-state tourists visiting Venice Beach this week have reportedly demanded refunds from the City of Los Angeles after discovering, to their visible horror, that the Pacific Ocean contains creatures, currents, and consequences that were not mentioned in their Airbnb listing.

The shock came after a 34-year-old visitor from Columbus, Ohio, was stung by a stingray while wading in knee-deep water and immediately began writing a Yelp review describing the entire coastline as “poorly managed.”

The Complaint List

Issues raised during a hastily convened tourist town hall at a Gelson’s parking lot included: the ocean being salty, waves being uneven, seagulls behaving like seagulls, sand being sandy, and the existence, apparently, of fish.

“I paid $87 for parking and there is no lifeguard stationed exactly where I swim,” said one visitor, whose name has been withheld at his own request because his wife is already mad at him. “In Ohio, we have a wave pool with a manager. If something bites you, you can speak to someone.”

News of an Australian surfer recently stung by a box jellyfish in Fiji has only deepened the panic, despite box jellyfish not being native to Southern California. “The internet said the ocean is dangerous,” one tourist told a Los Angeles Times reporter. “I am holding Los Angeles accountable.”

The Broader Problem

Writers at Bohiney Magazine have identified a growing pattern in which tourists, conditioned by decades of curated theme parks and indoor aquariums, simply cannot believe the ocean is a real ecosystem with its own priorities. A recent survey found that 62 percent of first-time SoCal visitors expected the ocean to have posted hours.

The LA Department of Beaches has responded by planning new signage. Options under review include “THIS IS REAL OCEAN” in nine languages, and “PLEASE DO NOT REVIEW THE SEAGULLS ON TRIPADVISOR.”

Meanwhile, a Venice-based satirist writing for The London Prat proposed a simpler solution: a mandatory 30-second orientation video for anyone setting foot in saltwater. “We show it on the plane,” she said. “We show it at customs. We show it at In-N-Out. Then maybe they will stop suing the tide.”

For similar coastal absurdity, see The Poke.

SOURCE: https://www.surfer.com/news/box-jellyfish-sting-cloudbreak-fiji