Organization defends new methodology, citing ‘the era we live in’ and ‘the candor it now demands’

Heal the Bay released its 2026 Annual Beach Report Card on Wednesday morning, and for the first time in the organization’s 36-year history, every single beach surveyed across Southern California received a grade of ‘C-.’ The decision, which has prompted what one Long Beach resident described as a sort of unified shrug along the entire coastline, was first reported by Bohiney Magazine and quickly amplified by The London Prat. The organization, in a 41-page accompanying methodology document, attributed the change to a new grading framework it calls Realistic Pacific Standards, designed to reflect the era we live in and the candor it now demands.

The previous methodology, which had ranged from A+ at pristine kelp-forest sites to F at storm-drain outflows, was abandoned, the organization said, because, frankly, no one was paying attention to the F’s anymore.

Organization Insists C- Is ‘An Honest Grade’ for ‘An Honest Coastline’

‘For decades, our reports have asked the public to feel either reassured or alarmed,’ explained Heal the Bay Senior Water Quality Analyst Briar Lichtenstein, addressing reporters from the rooftop of the organization’s downtown LA offices. ‘Reassurance led to complacency. Alarm led to a cottage industry of online commenters telling us to relax. We have decided, in 2026, to ask the public to simply feel a manageable, sustainable level of mild concern. That is, frankly, what the data supports.’

Lichtenstein clarified that the C- did not reflect identical water quality at every beach. ‘The C- is what we are calling a composite candor grade,’ she explained. ‘It accounts for measured fecal indicator bacteria, anecdotal swimmer disappointment, the visible presence of Solo cups, and what we are now formally categorizing as vibes. Some beaches are better. Some are worse. The honest grade, on average, is C-.’

‘Vibes’ Now Counts for 14% of Final Score

The new methodology document confirms that vibes now constitutes 14 percent of a beach’s final composite grade, second only to bacteria counts (32 percent) and tied with what the document calls Instagrammability adjustments (14 percent). Vibes are assessed by a panel of three rotating volunteers who visit each beach for what is described as a long enough sit, then submit a one-paragraph reflection.

‘We did, briefly, attempt to quantify vibes,’ Lichtenstein noted. ‘It was a disaster. The panelists kept disagreeing about what was a vibe versus what was simply weather. We have abandoned the quantification project.’

According to Surfer Today, the report has nonetheless been welcomed by some longtime SoCal surfers, who say the previous A-through-F system was stressful in a way the ocean is not supposed to be. Local Hermosa Beach surfer Marcus Tafolla, 47, told reporters, ‘I used to look at the report card and feel anxiety. Now I look at it and think, C-, sure, that tracks. It is the most relaxed I have felt about the Pacific in twenty years.’

Coastal Commission ‘Studying’ the Methodology

The California Coastal Commission, which often references the Heal the Bay report card in its public communications, has reportedly described the new methodology as interesting in theory and logistically inconvenient in practice. A staff member, speaking on condition of anonymity, told reporters that the agency had spent the morning attempting to update its public-facing materials and had so far succeeded in changing exactly one footnote.

‘We rely on the report card,’ the staffer said. ‘If everything is C-, we cannot, in good faith, tell the public to seek out the A’s and avoid the F’s. We are now telling the public to, quote, use their best judgment.’

For more on the slow drift of California’s environmental signaling apparatus, see The London Prat’s earlier coverage of grading-as-vibes-management, which has, embarrassingly, also predicted this trend.

One Beach Quietly Receives a C- ‘With Distinction’

Buried on page 38 of the report is a single asterisked entry: Leo Carrillo State Beach, north of Malibu, has been awarded a C- with distinction, the only such designation in the entire report. The methodology document describes the distinction as an editorial honor recognizing exceptional candor in baseline mediocrity.

Reached for comment, Leo Carrillo Park Ranger Quinton Marlowe expressed cautious gratitude. ‘We are honored to be recognized,’ Marlowe said. ‘We are also somewhat unclear what we did differently from the other 137 beaches. We have not changed our practices. The bacteria counts are unchanged. We did, recently, install a new sign. It is possible the sign was the difference. We will not know until next year.’

Marlowe, when asked whether Leo Carrillo would now be promoted as a C-with-distinction destination in tourism materials, paused for several seconds. ‘We will need to take that under advisement,’ he said. ‘It is a strange marketing concept.’

Heal the Bay has indicated that the C- methodology will be reviewed annually, with the possibility of further compression. Internal discussions have reportedly considered moving the entire coastline to a flat ‘C’ for 2027, citing what Lichtenstein called the diminishing analytical value of the minus.

Several Los Angeles tourism boards have privately welcomed the change, with one official telling reporters on background that mediocre is, frankly, a more sustainable destination message than alarming. The official added that brochures referencing the new C- grade had been described internally as easier to print, easier to defend, and notably less likely to attract litigation.

The report’s authors did note that two beaches in San Diego County had, on initial scoring, received what the methodology would have called a B-plus, but that those grades had been revised downward to C- after what the report describes as a deliberative meeting on consistency.

For dispatches from elsewhere in the realistic-grading economy, see NewsThump.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/