Snake Pemberton Named Head of Lineup Security Following Successful Crowdfunding Campaign
Reported by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat.
MALIBU, CA — In what surf industry analysts are calling “the logical conclusion of forty years of aggressive localism,” First Point Malibu announced Monday the installation of a velvet rope system at the water’s edge, effective immediately, along with complimentary valet parking for approved locals and a digital waitlist app for everyone else.
“We’ve been doing this informally since the 1970s,” said lineup security chief Dale “Snake” Pemberton, 61, who raised $47,000 on GoFundMe to fund the infrastructure upgrade. “The rope just makes it official. Now the tourists understand the process. There’s a process.”
How the System Works
Under the new protocol, surfers wishing to access the First Point lineup must download the LocalsOnly app (available on iOS, $12.99/month), submit a proof-of-residency package including a minimum of three years of utility bills, a letter of recommendation from a current lineup member, and a 500-word personal statement explaining why they deserve a wave at a public beach managed by the State of California.
Applications are reviewed by the First Point Approval Committee, a body that does not technically exist under any municipal, county, or state law, but which has operated with impressive authority since approximately 1983.
“We reject about ninety percent of applicants,” Pemberton explained, leaning against a velvet rope post stamped with the words “LOCALS ONLY” in tasteful serif font. “The main disqualifying factors are: you live outside Malibu, you bought your board at REI, or your van doesn’t have enough salt damage. You have to demonstrate commitment to this beach. Or at least commitment to this parking lot.”
Legal Questions Emerge
The California Coastal Commission, which oversees public beach access under the California Coastal Act of 1976, issued a statement noting that First Point Malibu is a public beach and that installing any structure restricting access is “almost certainly illegal, definitely illegal, actually just illegal.” The Commission said it planned to investigate “as soon as we finish our current caseload, which is substantial.”
Pemberton’s attorney, who asked not to be named because he surfs Malibu and doesn’t want the hassle, said the velvet rope is “more of a philosophical statement than a physical barrier.” He then admitted the rope is, in fact, a physical barrier, 47 meters long, staked into sand that belongs to the public, and staffed by a man named Gary who played high school football in 1992 and “still has it.”
Surfer Magazine covered the story under the headline “Malibu Does Malibu Things,” which was considered an accurate summary by everyone familiar with Malibu.
The Valet System
Approved locals receive a complimentary valet ticket allowing their vehicles to be parked in the upper lot by a team of what Pemberton describes as “surf-educated parking professionals” and what the county describes as “three teenagers who will not be getting minimum wage under any interpretation of this arrangement.”
Valet hours are 5:30am to 10am, which Pemberton notes is “the only time worth surfing anyway, before the crowds and the kooks and the Surfline premium subscribers show up thinking they’re entitled to the ocean.” He said this without irony. He has a Surfline premium subscription.
Community Response
Response from the broader surf community has been divided. Venice Beach locals called the system “inspiring” and announced plans to install a similar rope at Breakwater, “except ours will have a bouncer.” Huntington Beach officials said they were studying the Malibu model but worried their lineup “is already so chaotic that a velvet rope would just get run over by a beginner on a 9’6″ foam top within the first hour.” This assessment was considered accurate.
Visitors from the Valley, who make up approximately 60 percent of the Malibu lineup on any given weekend, expressed confusion. “I thought the beach was public,” said one man from Woodland Hills who declined to give his name but was wearing a full Billabong suit with the tags still on. He was directed by Gary to the “visitor experience area,” which is the parking lot.
The California State Parks Department said it was “aware of the situation” and was “treating it with the urgency it deserves,” which, based on the department’s history with Malibu, suggests the rope will be there until approximately 2031.
Meanwhile, the California Coastal Commission has posted a FAQ on its website titled “Is First Point Malibu a Public Beach?” The answer, in large font, is: Yes. The rope remains.
For more waves of absurdity, paddle over to The Daily Mash.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/