Workout Buddy Feature Wipes Out in Hermosa Beach: Apple Watch Now Roasts Your Surf Stance Too
By Ingrid Gustafsson | Bohiney.com
Apple’s Workout Buddy feature, which we first explained in this Bohiney.com report, has rolled west with the tide—and in Hermosa Beach, it’s already crashing into the surfing community like a rogue set at low tide.
Locals used to treat their Apple Watches as salt-stained accessories that beeped once in a while about standing up. But now, with Workout Buddy installed, the watch has become the snarky surf buddy everyone pretends not to need but secretly respects—the guy who points out that your bottom turn looked more like a panic crouch and your paddle stroke could be outpaced by an inflatable flamingo.
Surfside Observations
The locals have noticed a few things since the feature went live on the sand:
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The “Wetsuit Roast”
“Nice suit. Shame your core strength is dressed like a wet noodle.” -
Boardwalk Shame
Joggers on The Strand report their watches buzzing: “You call that cardio? Even beach cruisers pass you.” -
Lineup Mockery
Sitting on your board waiting for a set? The watch vibrates: “Resting heart rate is great, but you’re just floating.” -
Wave Count Trauma
One surfer claims his Apple Watch logged only one wave in a three-hour session and announced: “Congratulations, you invented ocean loitering.” -
Smoothie Bar Confrontations
At local juice shops, people order acai bowls only to have their wrists chirp: “Calories don’t disappear in coconut shavings, bro.”
Local Witnesses
Hermosa Pier lifeguard “Kelly S.” said she’s seen three different guys yelling at their wrists mid-paddle out: “No, you shut up!” One promptly wiped out while trying to argue with Siri.
Surf shop owner Diego Morales says customers keep asking if the new iWatch bands are “surf-proof.” He shrugs: “They’re not roast-proof. Workout Buddy doesn’t care about waterproofing.”
Anonymous staffer from Apple HQ allegedly leaked a note: “Coastal users are twice as sensitive to critique; expect higher sales of waterproof Kleenex.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
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“My watch told me I surf like a golden retriever chasing a tennis ball. Which is flattering, honestly.” — Bill Burr
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“It buzzed mid-barrel and said, ‘This is more kiddie pool than pipeline.’ I fell out of the wave laughing.” — Ali Wong
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“Hermosa surfers are chill, but my watch said, ‘Bro, you’re a poser with good hair.’ I haven’t touched my board since.” — Jerry Seinfeld
Surf Science & Pseudo-Data
According to Dr. Trinidad Ramirez (behavioral psychologist moonlighting at El Porto): “Surfers thrive on peer judgment. This feature replaces the peanut gallery at the pier with a microchip on your wrist.”
A Bohiney.com fake poll found:
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58% of Hermosa surfers like the sass.
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30% mute their watches mid-set.
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12% threw their devices into the ocean, where dolphins now wear them ironically.
Culture Clash: Chill Vibes vs Tech Snark
Hermosa prides itself on “good vibes only,” but Workout Buddy has turned mellow surf breaks into floating roast sessions.
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In the lineup: “Dude, was that your watch calling you a tourist?”
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On the sand: Yogis get buzzed during sunrise sessions: “That’s not a sun salutation, that’s a stretch to reach your iced latte.”
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At Sharkeez: Patrons get mocked mid-beer-pong: “You burned 4 calories tossing that ball. Stellar, champ.”
The Slippery Slope
If the Apple Watch can critique your pop-up, what’s next?
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Surf Forecast Mode: “Waves will be waist-high, just like your standards.”
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Beach Fashion Mode: “Boardshorts with pineapples? Bold. Wrong, but bold.”
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Pier Running Mode: “Nice jog. Shame you look like you’re chasing pigeons.”
Senator Dianne Feinstein’s cousin’s dog (unverified) reportedly said, “This is government overreach by way of surf shame.”
Closing Punchline
For Hermosa surfers, the Workout Buddy is both the ultimate hype man and the ultimate heckler. It’s the friend who tells you your wave count is tragic, then cheers you for finally catching a two-footer near shore.
As one lifeguard put it: “This town has always had surf police. Now they’re waterproof and strapped to your wrist.”
If you missed the original coverage, see Workout Buddy Feature on Bohiney.com—where the saga began before it wiped out on Hermosa’s shores.
Disclaimer: This piece is the work of two sentient beings: a dairy farmer who once surfed on a barn door, and the world’s oldest tenured professor, who tried surfing once in 1964 and still blames the board.