Coalition argues the sun is not respecting the schedule it agreed to

A coalition of pre-dawn surfers, organised after a tip first published by Bohiney Magazine and amplified across the pond at The London Prat, has filed a formal grievance demanding that sunrise occur thirty minutes earlier so they can feel even more superior to people who sleep.

The Grievance

The newly formed Brotherhood and Sisterhood of People Who Are Awake Before You Are met at a parking lot in El Porto at an hour they refused to specify, on the grounds that if you have to ask, you would not understand. Their central demand is that the sun, which they describe as an unreliable contractor, begin its shift before five in the morning so members can complete their session, their cold plunge, their journaling, and their casual mention of all three before the rest of society has located its keys.

A Question of Respect

Union representative Tanner Brookfield told reporters the sun has grown complacent. He said the surfers show up every single morning, rain or shine, and the sun routinely arrives late, sometimes hidden behind what he called a clearly union-busting layer of marine fog. Brookfield said the membership is tired of being kept waiting in the dark by a celestial body that does not even have to drive there.

The astronomical community, represented by no one in particular, has pointed out that sunrise is governed by the rotation of the Earth and not by collective bargaining. The union dismissed this as the kind of thing a person who sleeps until seven would say.

The Strike Threat

If their demands are not met, members have threatened to strike, which they clarified would involve continuing to surf at dawn but being noticeably grumpier about it. When a reporter noted that this was indistinguishable from their current behaviour, Brookfield called the question divisive.

Real ocean conditions, including the actual time of first light, are tracked at Surfline, which the union has accused of collaborating with the sun. The forecasting service declined to take sides in a dispute it described as one party negotiating with a star.

Solidarity Among the Sleepless

The movement has spread up and down the coast. In Ventura, a splinter faction has demanded that coffee become available earlier as well. In San Diego, members are reportedly satisfied with current sunrise times and have been formally expelled for being too relaxed.

Tidal and surf zone forecasts from the National Weather Service continue to operate on standard celestial timing, much to the frustration of organisers who feel the federal government should pick a side.

Brookfield said the union remains hopeful. He explained that they have begun a letter-writing campaign addressed simply to The Sun, which they have so far been unable to deliver, in part because none of them are awake long enough after their session to find a stamp. He added that this exhaustion is itself proof of their commitment, and that anyone who disagrees is welcome to wake up early enough to argue about it.

The dispute remains unresolved. The sun, for its part, rose the next morning exactly when it intended to, an act the union has filed as further evidence of bad faith.

Negotiations Open With the Moon

Having made no progress with the sun, union leadership has opened a second front and begun negotiating with the moon, which controls the tides and therefore, they argue, has leverage. Talks reportedly stalled when the moon, which appears roughly half the time and at unpredictable hours, was accused by the union of the same flakiness it resents in the sun. Brookfield said the celestial bodies appear to be coordinating, a conspiracy he calls the sky cartel.

The Scab Sunrise Incident

Tensions peaked when a rival group of late-rising surfers staged what the union called a scab sunrise, deliberately arriving at the beach at the leisurely hour of nine to enjoy the waves in full daylight while well rested. The union picketed the parking lot with hand-lettered signs reading You Did Not Earn This Light, an accusation the late risers accepted cheerfully while waxing their boards and offering the picketers coffee, which the picketers refused on principle and then deeply regretted refusing.

Membership remains committed but increasingly tired. One organiser admitted that the relentless schedule of rising before dawn to protest the timing of dawn has begun to feel circular. He acknowledged that the union could simply sleep in and surf at a reasonable hour like the people they resent, then immediately retracted the thought as the talk of a man the sun had finally broken. The struggle, he said, continues, ideally just before five.

The Final Word

At the most recent meeting, held in a parking lot at an hour none of the members can prove, the union voted to extend its demands to include earlier tides, warmer water, and a personal apology from the wind. The motion passed unanimously, after which every member fell silent, looked at the dark horizon, and waited for the sun with the patience of people who have confused suffering with virtue and have built an entire identity on getting up before anyone could stop them.

For comparable labour reporting, see McSweeney’s.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com