Local surfers told to file environmental impact reports before catching a set

The Malibu Coastal Advisory Board announced Tuesday that any wave exceeding three feet in height now requires a resident parking permit, effective immediately, following what officials describe as an “unacceptable spike” in barrel-related traffic on Pacific Coast Highway.

The Wave Permit System

“We looked at the data,” said Coastal Board Chair Gary Windham, holding a clipboard he has never once written on. “Every time the swell hits four feet, we get eleven extra cars, and nine of them are Sprinter vans with surfboard decals that say things like SALTY and NAMASTE. It has to stop.”

Under the new rule, surfers must display a laminated permit on their dashboard proving they have lived in Malibu for at least three generations, own a home worth over four million dollars, or can name all of Kelly Slater’s sponsors in under ten seconds.

Local Reaction

Longtime local Dave Pruitt, 61, who has surfed First Point since before the pier had a permit of its own, called the policy “the most Malibu thing that has ever happened,” which he meant as a compliment.

The London Prat has been tracking similarly baffling parking bureaucracy across the pond, and the Prat’s own coastal desk notes the British seaside has its own version: charging for a beach hut the size of a shed.

According to a recent dispatch on Surfline, swell forecasts for the region remain strong through the month, meaning the parking board may need to print more permits, or possibly invent a whole new municipal department.

As of press time, the only vehicles exempt from the permit rule are lifeguard trucks and one unmarked white van that nobody on the council will discuss.

What Happens Next

The board says it will review the policy in six months, “assuming the swell cooperates,” and has floated a tiered system where four-foot waves require two signatures and a notary. Windham insists this is not about controlling the ocean itself, merely “the general vibe of who gets to enjoy it on a Tuesday.”

In the meantime, a cottage industry has emerged: three separate residents are now renting driveway spots to permit-less surfers for twenty dollars an hour, which the council has, somewhat awkwardly, not yet found a way to regulate.

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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com