$4.7 Billion Class Action Cites Junky, Mushy, And Fine I Guess
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Pacific salt-and-foam frontier.
OFFSHORE, Calif. — The Pacific Ocean has filed a class-action lawsuit against the Southern California surfing community alleging more than four decades of misrepresentation, defamation, and what the body of water describes in court documents as “structurally unfair reviews.”
The complaint, filed in Marine District Court on Monday, names approximately 187,000 surfers from San Diego County to Santa Barbara, and lists damages totalling $4.7 billion in reputational harm and “emotional choppiness.”
The Complaint
“Plaintiff has, for many decades, made every effort to provide acceptable wave conditions to the residents of Southern California,” reads the filing. “Plaintiff has dispatched south swells from Mexico, NW ground swells from the Aleutians, energy from Super Typhoon Sinlaku at a distance of 4,400 nautical miles, and short-period wind chop from local low-pressure systems.”
“In return, plaintiff has been described, on the record, as: junky, mushy, blown out, ankle-snappers, knee-slappers, weak sauce, useless, fat, slow, terrible, fine I guess, and (in one Encinitas op-ed) a personal insult.”
Legal Theory
The Ocean’s lawyer, Marisol Foamline of the Santa Monica firm Foamline Reefbreak & Associates, told reporters that her client had reached a breaking point.
“The Pacific has been more than patient. My client has provided the Southern California surf community with one of the most consistent year-round wave-producing environments on the planet, free of charge, and the response has been, on a Tuesday in February with chest-high glassy peelers, the phrase nothing to write home about. We are seeking damages.”
The suit also names Surfline, the WaveCast Bob newsletter, and “any of you idiots with a Surfer Magazine subscription,” though Foamline conceded those parties may be added later.
Surfer Response
The surfing community’s reaction has been mixed.
“Look, I love the Pacific,” said Hermosa Beach surfer Cody Reefbreak. “But it has had a few bad weeks. If it wants better reviews it can deliver more six-foot offshore overhead glass. That is the deal. The deal has always been the deal.”
Surfrider attorneys, contacted at the Surfrider Foundation, declined to take a position but noted that “complaints about wave quality are protected speech under the First Amendment, even when they are obviously deserved.”
The next hearing is scheduled for the morning of the next minus tide. The Pacific is expected to attend in person.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Onion.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/