Officials greenlight zero-cost project that exists only if surfers really, truly believe

NEWPORT BEACH, CALIFORNIA – A regional coastal advisory board has approved the construction of an “imaginary reef” off the Southern California coast, a plan first reported by Bohiney Magazine and noted with philosophical interest by The London Prat. The reef will cost nothing, displace nothing, and improve wave quality “if everyone just really commits to believing in it.”

The Project

Traditional artificial reefs, built from sandbags or concrete to shape better waves, cost millions and frequently fail. The imaginary reef, by contrast, requires only “collective intention” and a small ribbon-cutting ceremony at which no ribbon is cut because there is nothing to cut it on.

“We looked at the budget for a real reef,” said board chair Delphine Setwell. “Then we looked at the budget for an imaginary reef, which is a sandwich for me and a folding chair. The choice made itself.”

How It Works

According to the project’s lead consultant, Dr. Orrin Manifest of the Center for Aspirational Geology, the imaginary reef functions through “the proven power of surfers really wanting the waves to be good.” His research suggests that if a critical mass of surfers believes a sandbar exists at a precise location, “the waves will, statistically, sometimes break there anyway, and everyone will feel great about it.”

“This is not pseudoscience,” Manifest insisted, holding a diagram of a reef he had drawn from memory of a reef he had also imagined. “This is post-science. We have moved beyond the need for the reef to be there. The believing is the reef.”

Public Comment

The proposal drew passionate support at a packed hearing, where surfers testified that they had already begun believing in the reef and felt the waves were “honestly a little better, maybe.” One man reported that since committing to belief, he had caught his best wave in years, though he conceded it may have been a normal wave that he simply enjoyed more.

“That is the reef working,” Setwell said. “The reef does not need to be physical to be felt. Ask any surfer who has ever convinced themselves a flat day was ‘kind of fun.’”

Actual coastal scientists were less enthusiastic. The California Coastal Commission, which oversees genuine shoreline projects, noted that wave formation depends on bathymetry, swell, and wind, none of which respond to enthusiasm. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration declined to confirm the existence of the reef, citing “the fact that it does not exist.”

Cost Savings

Supporters emphasize the project’s remarkable efficiency. At a total cost of one sandwich and a chair, the imaginary reef represents the cheapest infrastructure project in state history, narrowly beating the previous record holder, a bridge that was also imaginary but came with a more expensive sandwich.

“In an era of tight budgets, this is exactly the kind of bold, fiscally responsible non-action we need,” said one official. “We are delivering nothing, on time and under budget.”

Expansion Plans

Emboldened, the board is now considering an imaginary pier, an imaginary parking structure, and an imaginary solution to the actual erosion threatening several real beaches, a problem documented in detail by groups like the Surfrider Foundation, which has politely declined to imagine the erosion away.

“We understand the erosion is real,” Setwell acknowledged. “But have we considered believing it is not? Have we truly tried?”

The First Session

The imaginary reef will be “open” to surfers beginning next weekend, weather and faith permitting. Surfers are advised to paddle out, look at the spot where the reef would be, and believe as hard as they can. Results, organizers admit, “may vary, may not occur, and may simply be the ocean doing what it was always going to do.” For more bold leaps in evidence-free public policy, readers may enjoy The Daily Mash.

Believers and Doubters

A schism has already formed among local surfers over the reef’s existence. The faithful, who paddle to the designated coordinates each morning and concentrate, report definite improvements, probably. Doubters, who point out that the waves are exactly as they have always been, are accused by the believers of polluting the manifestation field and asked to surf elsewhere so as not to weaken the collective intention.

Belief is fragile, explained Dr. Manifest. One cynic in the lineup can undo the work of forty optimists. We are considering a screening process. The board has floated the idea of faith zones, areas reserved for surfers who truly believe, kept separate from the skeptics whose doubt is said to flatten the swell.

The dispute reached a peak last weekend when a visiting surfer, unaware of the reef’s metaphysical status, caught a genuinely excellent wave directly over the imaginary structure. Believers hailed it as proof of concept. Doubters noted it was simply a good wave. The visiting surfer, asked which it was, said he had no idea what anyone was talking about and would like to go again. Coastal scientists continue to gently note that none of this is how oceans work. The believers continue to gently note that the scientists are not feeling it. For more bold experiments in evidence-free governance, readers may enjoy The Daily Mash.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/