Tracks Magazine sources confirm surf deprivation has reached crisis levels across the eastern seaboard
The Flatness Has Come For Us All
The Bureau of Meteorology issued a two-week flat spell forecast last Tuesday, and by Wednesday morning, the eastern Australian surfing population had entered what psychologists are calling “a collective reckoning with the meaninglessness of land-based existence.” I know this because I felt it personally, standing on my back porch, refreshing Swellnet like it owed me money.
The Science of Surf Deprivation
Dr. Clive Dungsworth of the newly formed Australian Institute for Oceanic Grief has been studying flat surf Australia episodes since 2019. “We’ve found that surfers begin showing symptoms within 72 hours of zero swell,” he told a press conference held, meaningfully, on a beach. “These include excessive forecast refreshing, board waxing with no destination, and an unhealthy interest in skate parks.”
The Tracks Magazine community forums reportedly crashed twice during the flat spell as 40,000 Australians simultaneously asked variations of “is anything coming?” The answer was: eventually. Maybe. Check back Sunday.
My Own Flat Spell Diary
Day one: optimistic. Day two: I waxed my board. Day three: I waxed it again. Day four: I watched 11 surf films, ranked them by swell size, and developed strong feelings about tube geometry. By day six, I had memorized the forecast for the Maldives. I do not live near the Maldives. I have never surfed the Maldives. The surf forecast addiction had fully taken hold.
The Government Response
The Australian government announced a flat spell stimulus package consisting of a new app, a helpline staffed by retired board shapers, and a $200 voucher toward “non-surf ocean activities,” which the surfing community has collectively agreed to ignore.
“We’re monitoring the situation,” said a spokesperson who clearly did not surf. The flat surf Australia crisis continues. The swell is due Saturday. Allegedly.
More flat day therapy at prat.uk
SOURCE: https://tracksmag.com.au/feed