Ian Battrick Becomes Test Subject for New Justice System Where Facts Are Optional

In a groundbreaking development for social media jurisprudence, the Channel Islands Surfing Federation has successfully demonstrated that you can destroy someone’s reputation globally before checking if any of your accusations are actually true.

Ian Battrick, a Jersey surfer and Lunasurf owner, became the federation’s guinea pig when they accused him of verbally and physically abusing female competitors, threatening violence on cameramen, and dunking female surfers during the Great Britain Cup at Thurso Break in October.

“We’re very proud of our fact-checking process,” explained federation spokesperson Graham Hastyposts. “It consists of: see something, believe it immediately, post it everywhere, call the guy ‘brainless,’ then maybe—if we’re legally forced to—check if it’s true later.”

The new “Post First, Apologize Never (Unless Legally Required)” protocol has been hailed as a time-saver by social media managers worldwide. “Why waste precious hours verifying information when you can just delete critical comments instead?” noted Dr. Sarah Clickbait, Professor of Digital Lynch Mobs at the University of Unverified Claims.

After hundreds of hate messages and death threats, it emerged that Battrick had actually just made “a thoughtless mistake” by paddling out during the women’s event—not committing acts of violence. Thurso Police confirmed they’re taking no action against him, because generally you need to have actually committed crimes to be prosecuted for them.

“These allegations were disseminated via this official CISF social media account and were subsequently repeated and amplified across global media,” the federation admitted in their apology, sounding shocked that their official statements were treated as, you know, official.

The October 25th incident at Thurso forced event organizers to call Police Scotland, not because of Battrick specifically, but because freesurfers invaded the competition. But why let nuance get in the way of a good cancellation?

“To be falsely portrayed worldwide as someone who would abuse or harm fellow surfers was devastating,” Battrick stated. His mental health and business reputation were shredded faster than you can say “due process.”

The federation’s new motto? “Ready, Fire, Aim—Then Apologize Quietly While Everyone’s Looking Elsewhere.”

SOURCE: https://www.theinertia.com/surf/surfing-body-issues-apology-to-surfer-accused-of-invading-womens-event-lineup/

SOURCE: Bohiney News