Lottery, Essay, Cooling-Off Period; Encinitas Backstop In Place
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Pacific salt-and-foam frontier.
SAN CLEMENTE, Calif. — Citing what it described as “lineup density not seen outside of Manhattan Beach Pier on a 4th of July,” a newly-formed federal task force will reportedly assume direct administrative control of Lower Trestles starting Monday.
The Trestles Overcrowding Mitigation Authority, or TOMA, was established by an interagency working group spanning the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service, the California Coastal Commission, and a person who used to work at Surfline.
The New Rules
Under the TOMA Memorandum of Understanding, the lineup at Lowers will be capped at 14 surfers between the hours of 6 a.m. and sunset. Entry will be governed by a digital lottery, an essay component, and a brief interview in which applicants must explain their relationship to longboard etiquette without using the word “groove.”
“The data is clear,” said TOMA director Atlas Trough. “On any given Tuesday at 7:42 a.m., Lowers is being surfed by approximately 67 people, three of whom are paddling for the same wave, two of whom are filming the third, and one of whom is in the wrong wetsuit thickness for the conditions. This cannot continue.”
Local Reaction
The new lottery system has been condemned by every surfer who claims to remember Trestles “before the foot trail had a name.”
“You can’t legislate a lineup,” said long-time Lowers regular Brock Pinwheel, while sitting in his van adjusting a leash. “What you can do is gently shoulder-burn newcomers and pretend you are looking at the horizon. That has worked for forty years.”
Other locals expressed cautious optimism. “If the lottery means I don’t get dropped in on by a guy on a 9-foot foam board, I will fill out the paperwork,” said San Clemente shaper Wendy Quiver.
The Essay Component
The TOMA Lottery Essay, which is mandatory and limited to 250 words, will ask applicants to describe a moment they did not paddle for a wave despite being in priority. Sample prompts include “tell us about a time you let it go” and “explain, in your own words, the difference between Old Man’s and Old Mans.”
Successful applicants will receive a numbered Lowers Pass, a small ceremonial sticker, and a 90-day cooling-off period. Failure to use the pass within the cooling-off period will result in the pass being awarded to “literally anyone from Encinitas.”
The new system goes live on Monday, weather and political will permitting.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see NewsThump.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/