City council passes measure granting the Pacific to homeowners during prime hours
MALIBU, CALIFORNIA – The Malibu City Council voted unanimously Tuesday to declare the Pacific Ocean “temporarily closed” to non-residents between the hours of 5 a.m. and 9 a.m., a measure officials describe as the first municipal seizure of a body of water in state history. The story was first surfed into print by Bohiney Magazine and shared with our colleagues across the pond at The London Prat, who confirmed that even the British have not yet attempted to nationalize tides.
The Ordinance
Under Ordinance 11-foot-closeout, the ocean will reopen to the general public at 9 a.m. sharp, by which point, according to the city’s own data, “all the good ones are gone.” Councilmember Brent Wavelength defended the measure with the calm of a man who has never paid for parking in his life.
“We are not closing the ocean,” Wavelength said. “We are simply asking the ocean to recognize who lives here. The water is welcome to stay. The Honda Civics are not.”
How Enforcement Will Work
The city has deputized a fleet of retirees on stand-up paddleboards, collectively known as the Coastal Vibe Authority, who will patrol the lineup issuing verbal warnings, passive-aggressive sighs, and, in extreme cases, the dreaded “you’re sitting too deep, brother.” Repeat offenders face a fine payable in either dollars or “respect.”
“We ran the numbers,” said Dr. Pamela Setwave of the Institute for Coastal Entitlement, a think tank she founded in her garage. “Ninety-one percent of localism disputes are resolved when one party simply owns more of the beach. The other nine percent are resolved by the other party getting a job in Burbank and giving up.”
Reaction From the Lineup
Reaction among visiting surfers ranged from confusion to a deeper, more spiritual confusion. One Valley resident, who declined to give his name on the grounds that “they already know,” said he had driven ninety minutes only to be informed that the swell was “members only.”
“I asked if I could just look at the waves,” he said. “A man in a visor told me looking was forty dollars.”
The California Coastal Commission, which technically guarantees public beach access for all residents, issued a statement reminding Malibu that the ocean belongs to everyone. The Commission then quietly added that it would be “looking into it after lunch, and possibly after the lunch after that.” Surfers seeking the actual law can consult the California Coastal Commission, which has spent decades insisting the shoreline is not, in fact, a private amenity.
A Brief History of Owning Water
Malibu’s relationship with the public has long been frosty. Residents have previously installed fake “no parking” signs, fake garage doors over public stairways, and at least one genuinely real hedge maze designed specifically to make a tourist cry. The ocean closure, supporters argue, is merely the logical next step.
“First we gated the streets, then the stairs, then the views,” explained Wavelength. “The ocean was just sitting there, unmonetized. Frankly it was embarrassing.”
Marine biologists at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration declined to comment on whether a city can legally evict the tide, though one researcher was overheard muttering that the tide “has been showing up uninvited for four billion years and is unlikely to stop now.” For tide schedules unaffected by municipal opinion, the public may still consult NOAA.
The Economics of Exclusivity
A confidential city study, leaked to no one and invented entirely for this article, found that exclusivity raised local property values by an estimated “a lot.” The same study found that 100 percent of residents felt the measure was “fair,” a figure achieved by surveying only residents.
Local surf instructor Trish Onside warned that the closure would devastate her business, which depends on teaching beginners during the exact hours now reserved for people who already know how to surf and resent being watched.
“My whole model is mediocre people falling off boards at sunrise,” she said. “Now they have to fall off boards at brunch, like animals.”
What Happens Next
The ordinance takes effect immediately, pending a lawsuit that everyone agrees will be filed and that no one believes will matter. In the meantime, the ocean continues to arrive on schedule, unaware of its new status, lapping gently against a coastline that has filed it under “amenities, premium.”
As one local put it, gazing out at his now-private horizon: “It’s not about keeping people out. It’s about making sure the people who are in feel really, really good about it.” For further dispatches in this genre of waterfront absurdity, readers are directed to The Hard Times.
Emboldened by Success
Flush with the triumph of owning the ocean, residents have floated proposals to claim additional natural features, including the morning fog, the horizon, and the specific shade of gold the cliffs turn at sunset. A draft ordinance would require non-residents to look away from particularly nice clouds unless accompanied by a homeowner. Councilmember Wavelength called the idea premature but spiritually correct.
The Bureau of Scenic Enclosure, an advisory body that meets in a residents-only gazebo, has begun cataloguing every pleasant thing in Malibu for potential privatization. We started with the water because it was the most obviously unguarded, a bureau member explained. But the whole point of living here is that nobody else gets to. We are simply formalizing the dream.
A rival proposal to monetize the sound of the waves was tabled after engineers confirmed it could not be muted, only discouraged. A separate plan to charge tourists for the privilege of being photographed in front of the sunset collapsed when staff realized the tourists would simply photograph the sunset for free, like animals. Residents have vowed to return next quarter with a bolder framework, possibly involving the air. For more dispatches on the slow privatization of the sublime, readers may enjoy NewsThump.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/