Historic pier cites hostile work environment as swell of the year batters Southern California
Satire from Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat.
Pier Says It Has Absorbed Enough
MALIBU, CA — The Malibu Pier, closed this week amid seven-to-ten-foot surf and dangerous rip currents, has filed a workers compensation claim against the Pacific Ocean, alleging a century of repetitive stress injuries and a workplace culture it describes as ‘relentlessly percussive.’ The claim, lodged with the California Department of Structures That Have Had It, seeks back pay, pile replacement, and a formal apology delivered at low tide.
The pier’s representatives say the breaking point came during this week’s massive south swell, when officials shuttered the structure as waves capable of washing people off beaches, rocks, and piers hammered the coast. ‘For one hundred years this pier has shown up to work,’ said spokesperson Linda Bollard, standing at the locked gate. ‘Sun, storms, film crews, influencers doing yoga on the railing. It never complained. But ten-foot sets directly to the pilings? That is battery. We have it on camera. Everyone has it on camera. There were drones.’
Ocean Denies Wrongdoing, Continues Doing Wrong
The Pacific declined to comment but issued another overhead set within minutes of the filing, which legal experts called ‘not a great look.’ Maritime attorney Chad Groyne explained that the case faces jurisdictional hurdles. ‘The ocean predates California labor law by roughly four billion years,’ Groyne said. ‘Its position is that the pier entered the relationship voluntarily, knowing the ocean’s history. Frankly, every structure on this coastline signed the same deal. The Wedge crowd in Newport is essentially watching that contract get enforced in real time.’
Indeed, this week’s swell, generated by a powerful South Pacific storm and tracked by forecasters at the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, brought some of the biggest surf of the year, with the National Weather Service extending a Beach Hazards Statement through Thursday evening. Lifeguards urged that only expert swimmers enter the water, a category the pier notes it has never claimed membership in.
Other Infrastructure Expresses Solidarity
The Santa Monica Pier released a statement of support, as did the Huntington Beach Pier, which described itself as ‘one bad El Nino from saying something I cannot take back.’ The Manhattan Beach Pier declined to join, citing its round concrete design and what observers called a smug attitude.
Forecasters meanwhile warn that a strong El Nino pattern could rewrite the record books this winter, which pier advocates say amounts to a credible threat. ‘The ocean is openly telling forecasters its plans,’ Bollard said. ‘In any other workplace, that is a hostile memo.’
Tourists Adapt by Photographing the Closure Sign
With the pier shut, visitors pivoted seamlessly to photographing the closure sign, the waves beyond the closure sign, and each other pretending to be blown over near the closure sign. A family from Ohio described the locked gate as ‘honestly better than the pier,’ since it provided a clear subject and required no walking.
Surf media has covered the swell with its customary restraint, meaning live cams, hourly updates, and adjectives stacked four deep. Analysts at Surfline noted the long-period energy lighting up south-facing breaks from Malibu to San Diego, while veterans complained the crowds resembled a theme park queue with leashes. One Malibu local, asked whether he sympathized with the pier, paused for a long time. ‘The pier gets to close,’ he finally said. ‘I still have to paddle out past forty guys from Encino. Who is filing my claim?’
Settlement Talks
Mediators have proposed a settlement in which the ocean agrees to a flat spell of no fewer than ten days, and the pier agrees to stop creaking ominously in front of customers. Neither party is expected to honor the terms. The pier reopens when conditions subside, at which point, Bollard conceded, it will go right back to work. ‘It loves the ocean,’ she sighed. ‘That is the saddest part. They always reopen.’
Historians Note the Pier Has Survived Worse, Which Is the Problem
Coastal historians point out that the Malibu Pier has endured storms, fires, budget cuts, and four separate eras of being in the background of television shows, and that its endurance is precisely the issue. ‘Resilience without recognition is just neglect with good posture,’ said preservationist Dora Strand. ‘Every winter we ask the pier to take the hits, and every summer we ask it to look charming for weddings. No structure can sustain that emotional range.’
The claim has also revived debate about coastal management, with engineers noting that piers, jetties, and seawalls all entered service under assumptions about the ocean that the ocean never agreed to. As swells grow more energetic in big El Nino years, the gap between what the coast was built for and what the Pacific delivers becomes, in technical terms, somebody’s problem. ‘The pilings absorb the waves,’ Strand said. ‘The city absorbs the costs. The tourists absorb the closure sign content. Everyone absorbs something. That is the Malibu way.’
A Reopening, Eventually
Officials expect the pier to reopen once the swell fades and inspectors confirm that everything underneath it is still attached to everything else. Until then, the structure waits behind its gate, taking sets on the chin, accruing damages, and listening to the surfers beyond the break whoop at the very waves named in its complaint. Workers comp attorneys say the case could drag on for years. The ocean, sources confirm, has time.
More gentle nonsense at https://www.thedailymash.co.uk.
SOURCE: Satirical Journalism