Coastal Commission rules that the Pacific is technically a loading zone

A Parking War Forty Years in the Making

The First Point Parking Authority of Malibu announced Tuesday that surfers may now legally park in the ocean itself, provided they leave within ninety minutes and feed a meter that has been bolted to a kelp bed.

The decision resolves a dispute that locals describe as older than the pier, the parking structure, and most of the surfers currently complaining about it.

The Logic, Such As It Is

According to Marvin Tidewell, Deputy Commissioner of Aquatic Curbside Enforcement, the ruling reflects a simple principle. “If a man can stand on water for eleven seconds, he can pay to leave his Tacoma on it for ninety minutes,” Tidewell said, adjusting a lanyard that held seven separate permits.

The Authority installed forty-two waterproof meters along the break, each programmed to issue a citation the instant a wave knocks it sideways. Officials estimate this will generate revenue equal to the gross domestic product of a small kelp forest.

Local Reaction

Veteran surfer Chad Brindle, 61, who has been waxing the same board since the Carter administration, called the move predictable. “First they took the lot. Then they took the overflow lot. Now they want the water,” he said. “Next they will charge me to stand on my own feet.”

The Authority denied any such plan, then quietly trademarked the phrase “Standing Fee” later that afternoon.

What Comes Next

Tidewell confirmed that a pilot program will test whether seagulls can be deputized as meter maids. Early results are described internally as “aggressive but promising.” The birds have already issued eleven citations, three of them to a confused tourist from Bakersfield and one to a pelican.

For now, surfers are advised to bring exact change, a wetsuit, and a lawyer. The ocean, officials remind everyone, is a privilege and not a right, and the meter is always running.