April Donations Short, WaveCast Bob Issues Forecast About Forecasts
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Pacific salt-and-foam frontier.
VENTURA, Calif. — A Southern California swell forecaster, frustrated by a shortfall in April donations, has reportedly threatened to begin predicting bad surf out of spite, sources confirmed Wednesday.
The forecaster, known to readers only as “WaveCast Bob” and rumoured to operate from a converted garage in Carpinteria, posted an unusually candid update titled Donations Are Short, Therefore So Is The Swell.
Excerpts From The Notice
“Look, I have been monitoring two hemispheres in seasonal transition, calculating swell directionality from 4,400 nautical miles away, and predicting the precise moment Aleutian energy will glance off the Channel Islands,” wrote Bob. “I do not do this for the glory. I do not do this for the love of it. I do this because $7 a month from approximately 412 readers makes the rent.”
“If donations remain short,” the post continued, “I will begin describing every south swell as ‘whisper of period 14 from 195 degrees, will not produce.’ I will describe every NW pulse as ‘short interval, junky, do not bother.’ I will describe Trestles as ‘closed, structurally.’ This is not a threat. This is a forecast about forecasts.”
Reaction
Within hours, the SoCal surf community responded with the unified, immediate energy it normally reserves for outsiders parking in lifeguard zones. Donations reportedly poured in from as far away as Coronado.
“The man predicted Super Typhoon Sinlaku’s swell pattern with the precision of a Swiss watch and the rage of a Welsh forecaster,” said local surfer Skye Reefdancer. “We owe him. We owe him so much.”
According to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, independent surf forecasters perform an estimated 84% of all swell-direction calculations actually used by the surfing public, with the remaining 16% being done by guesswork and Surfline subscriptions.
Industry Implications
Dr. Tidal Reginald, a maritime economist at Scripps Institution of Oceanography, called Bob’s situation “the canary in the coal mine, except the canary is also the coal mine.”
“If WaveCast Bob falls, who tells you that the southern hemi will be light from 215 with periods of 16?” Reginald asked. “Who explains the GroundHog Dayish swell rut? Who tells you, with feeling, that there is leftover NW energy in play for the AM? Nobody. The lineup will be in disarray.”
Reached for comment, Bob said he would continue to forecast but “with reduced enthusiasm and possibly fewer adjectives.”
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see NewsThump.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/