Sets Inconsistent, Periods Long, Vibes Mediocre
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Pacific salt-and-foam frontier.
WESTERN PACIFIC — In an unusual move for a tropical cyclone, what remains of Super Typhoon Sinlaku has reportedly issued a formal apology to the Southern California surf community for the swell event widely described by Malibu locals as “fine I guess.”
The apology, transmitted by way of fading low-pressure system to readers of the SoCal forecast, expressed Sinlaku’s “deep personal disappointment” that despite generating energy from 4,400 nautical miles away, the resulting waves had topped out at chest-high and arrived with “highly inconsistent sets, few waves per set, and long lulls between sets.”
Statement From The Storm
“I want to acknowledge, on behalf of myself and the broader storm community, that the swell I directed at Southern California this week did not meet the standards the surfers of Malibu, Hermosa, Huntington and Sunset Cliffs deserve,” Sinlaku said in its statement, dictated through periods of intermittent NW ground swell at 295 degrees.
“You waited. You set your alarms. You waxed your boards. And what did I deliver? Waist-high. With long wait times. I am embarrassed. The Aleutian system that piggybacked on my output should also be embarrassed, frankly, but you’d have to take that up with the Aleutians.”
Industry Response
Dr. Marina Outflow of the not-yet-accredited Pacific School of Storm Apologies called Sinlaku’s gesture “unprecedented but welcome.”
“Most super typhoons are notoriously bad at saying sorry,” she explained. “They blow through, dish out four inconsistent days of mediocre energy, and then dissipate without so much as a follow-up email. For Sinlaku to step up like this, while admittedly already extra-tropical, sets a new bar.”
The Joint Typhoon Warning Center confirmed that Sinlaku’s apology was “consistent with its observed character” and would “not affect future storm naming conventions.”
Surfer Forgiveness
Reaction from the SoCal surf community was mixed. Some praised the storm’s accountability. “It’s a big move,” said Carlsbad longboarder Wendy Pinrider. “I don’t think Hurricane Marie ever apologised, and Marie left us with a high surf advisory and a damaged Seal Beach pier.”
Others were less forgiving. “Apology accepted,” said one Newport surfer who asked not to be named. “But if Sinlaku does this again I am going to start ignoring its advisories and that is a promise.”
The next system, currently developing 4,200 nautical miles southwest of San Diego, has not yet been named but is reportedly already practising its apology.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/