Venice Surfer Awarded Purple Heart After Brave Paddle Through E-Scooter Minefield

By Staff Writer — Bohiney News Network

VENICE BEACH, CA — In what lifeguards are calling the most heroic surf entry since someone drop-kicked a seagull to save a burrito, local surfer Chad “Chaz” Broston, 28, was symbolically awarded the Purple Heart on Tuesday after sustaining multiple injuries during a high-risk paddle-out through a chaotic field of abandoned e-scooters, vape clouds, and influencer tripods along the Venice break.

The harrowing journey began at approximately 9:13 AM, just after Chaz finished a cold brew and a light warmup consisting of staring into the distance while adjusting his wetsuit crotch for 17 minutes.

Eyewitnesses say Chaz bravely attempted to cross what is now known as the “Electric Gauntlet” — a quarter-mile stretch of beach that has become ground zero for derelict Bird, Lime, and “mysteriously French” scooter brands that appear to multiply at night like Gremlins.

“He took one right to the shin,” said a visibly shaken lifeguard, Jeff Mancini. “Didn’t even cry. Just grunted and whispered something about barrel potential.”

Obstacles of the Modern Venice Lineup

Chaz’s journey was complicated further by a series of unforeseen obstacles, including:

• A spontaneous yoga flash mob using the bike path as their mat,
• A shirtless man aggressively marketing homemade CBD-infused surf wax,
• And three influencers filming a “day in the life” montage while pretending they could actually surf.

“I thought I was gonna make it,” Chaz told reporters from his hospital bed (a beach towel on the sand). “But then I stepped on a freshly discarded vape pen and twisted my ankle. The Juul gods took me down.”

Paramedics (two off-duty surfers with a First Aid app) responded promptly, administering treatment that consisted mostly of coconut water, zinc balm, and reposting his injury to their Instagram stories.

According to The Los Angeles Times, Venice Beach has seen a 600% increase in e-scooter-related surf access incidents since 2022, with local emergency responders describing the area as “a logistical nightmare wrapped in sunscreen.”

City Responds With ‘Surf Lanes’ Proposal

In response to the incident, the Venice Beach Council has proposed the installation of “surf lanes,” similar to bike lanes, to allow local surfers safe passage to the water.

“It’s a human rights issue at this point,” said Councilman Dakota Bliss, wearing a Patagonia fleece and no shoes. “If we can’t guarantee our citizens safe passage from artisanal toast to overhead sets, what are we even doing?”

When asked if the city would remove the scooters entirely, Bliss clarified: “No, but we will paint some ocean-themed murals about it. That usually calms people down.”

Environmental researchers at NOAA have expressed concern that the proliferation of abandoned micromobility devices may be disrupting local marine access patterns, though they admitted “there’s not really a federal framework for this kind of absurdity.”

National Recognition

Though not an official military award, the Purple Heart was crafted out of a hemp lanyard and a repurposed sea urchin shell by local artisan “Fern,” who only accepts payment in essential oils and vague compliments.

Chaz accepted the honor humbly, noting he was “just doing what any washed-up local with a YouTube channel would do.”

“I didn’t paddle out for glory,” he said. “I did it because Surfline said it was 3-4 feet and semi-clean, and I was too emotionally repressed to journal.”

A recent study from UCLA’s Department of Coastal Sociology found that Venice surfers now spend an average of 23 minutes navigating beach obstacles before reaching the water — more time than they spend actually surfing. Researchers described the phenomenon as “peak Los Angeles self-sabotage.”

Community Response and Social Media

Social media erupted with support for Chaz’s bravery. A GoFundMe titled “Save Chaz’s Shin” raised $47 before being flagged as “possibly satirical.” Local surf shops have begun selling commemorative stickers reading “I Survived the Electric Gauntlet,” though most customers assume it’s a music festival.

“This is the reality of modern surf culture,” said longtime Venice local Brooke “Shark Whisperer” Dean, who witnessed the incident while attempting to sell handmade dreamcatchers. “We used to battle riptides and territorial locals. Now it’s scooters and ring lights.”

As of press time, Chaz was last seen trying to limp his way to the water again — only to be thwarted by a family of tourists filming a TikTok challenge called “Venice Vibes Only.”

For continuing coverage of Venice Beach’s ongoing war between surfing and civilization, visit Bohiney.com.