Welcoming, Inclusive, Open To All, Except You And The Whole Valley

Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Pacific salt-and-foam frontier.

MALIBU, Calif. — In a development described by ocean historians as “deeply Malibu,” a coalition of First Point regulars has announced the formation of the Malibu Anti-Localism Committee, a localist organisation dedicated to ending localism by being more local than anyone else.

The MALC, which meets every other Tuesday at a parking spot it has reserved exclusively for itself, has issued a 47-page mission statement explaining that localism is, in fact, ruining Malibu, and only true locals can stop it.

Mission Statement Excerpts

“We the undersigned, having surfed Malibu since before the second pier was the second pier, hereby resolve that Malibu shall be a welcoming and inclusive lineup,” reads the document, “with the obvious exception of you, you, the guy in the red springsuit, the entire San Fernando Valley, and any Australian under 6 feet 2 inches.”

Section 14, subsection (b), further clarifies that “newcomers are warmly invited to enjoy Malibu, provided they ride only on closeout sets, do not paddle for waves, and arrive at exactly 4:43 a.m. for inspection.”

Reception

Dr. Kelp Mariner, Chair of Surf Sociology at the Pacific Coast Institute, called the MALC’s approach “the natural endpoint of two decades of well-meaning but contradictory beach culture.”

“Look, you can be local, or you can be inclusive,” he said. “What you cannot do, statistically speaking, is form a committee about it. The minute the committee exists, you’ve already lost.”

Mariner cited the Surfrider Foundation on broader access concerns, but conceded that Malibu was, in his professional opinion, “doing its own thing.”

The Welcome Brochure

The MALC’s official welcome brochure, distributed at the parking lot entrance by a man in a wetsuit who refuses to make eye contact, contains the following bullet points: please do not learn here; please do not bring a longboard wider than your respect; please do not be from where you are from; please consider Topanga.

The brochure ends with a friendly note reading thanks for surfing Malibu, please don’t.

One MALC member, who asked to be identified only as Trevor With The Volkswagen, said the committee’s long-term goal was to make Malibu “so welcoming that nobody would feel comfortable surfing it.” Asked whether that was a contradiction, Trevor With The Volkswagen took a long sip of yerba mate and replied, “Brother, you are new here.”

For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Poke.

SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/