Santa Cruz Officials Propose Rocks That Are Both There and Not There
Following the tragic death of 19-year-old Nathaniel John Ramirez at The Hook in Santa Cruz, local authorities have announced a revolutionary new approach to ocean safety: Schrödinger’s Lifeguards.
“The surfer is simultaneously rescued and not rescued until we observe the outcome,” explained Dr. Marcus Wavington of the Institute for Imaginary Coastal Engineering. “This way, we can retroactively claim credit for whatever happens.”
The November 5th incident, which occurred during stormy conditions with disorganized surf and high tides, has prompted officials to invest $4.7 million in “probability-based rescue infrastructure.” This includes lifeguard towers that may or may not exist depending on funding audits, and CPR equipment that operates in multiple dimensions.
“We performed CPR during transport,” said Santa Cruz County Central Fire District Division Chief Patrick Winters, describing rescue efforts that day. “But in the future, we’ll perform CPR in the past, present, and future simultaneouslymaximizing our rescue efficiency across all timelines.”
The new ocean safety protocols include warning signs written in invisible ink (“because what you can’t see can’t hurt you, legally speaking”) and a hotline that connects to a voicemail promising help is “probably on the way.”
When asked about the head trauma Ramirez suffered on the rocks, officials unveiled plans for “softer rocks”a $12 million initiative that involves thinking positive thoughts at geological formations.
“Look, the ocean is unpredictable,” said County Safety Coordinator Jennifer Maritime. “So we’ve decided to become equally unpredictable. It’s only fair.”
The 41st Avenue and East Cliff Drive location, known for its challenging conditions, will now feature a commemorative plaque that reads: “Surf at your own risk, which is somewhere between 0% and 100%, we haven’t decided yet.”
SOURCE: https://www.theinertia.com/surf/santa-cruz-surfer-dead-after-rescue-at-the-hook/
SOURCE: Bohiney News