Venice city officials cite an oversupply of confidence as the primary justification for the new ordinance
VENICE, Calif. – The Venice Beach Coastal Vibe Authority voted unanimously Thursday to prohibit all surfboards exceeding six feet in length, citing what officials described as an “unsustainable surplus of self-assurance” among local longboarders.
The Confidence Crisis
Vibe Commissioner Tabitha Reign explained the decision during a press conference held entirely while doing yoga. “We did a study. Every surfer over six feet of board length was found to be 340 percent more likely to explain tide charts to strangers unprompted. The boardwalk cannot absorb that energy.”
The ordinance, formally titled the Keep It Humble Act, classifies any board longer than six feet as a “confidence delivery device” and subjects owners to a fine of one mandatory apology to the nearest bystander.
Reaction From The Sand
Local longboarder Chad Pacific, 47, called the ruling an attack on a way of life. “A nine-six is not arrogance. It is glide. It is poetry. It is me being better than everyone, yes, but spiritually,” he said, adjusting a necklace made entirely of other necklaces.
Shortboarders, by contrast, celebrated openly. “Finally,” said one, who declined to be named because he was technically surfing in a wetsuit he had not paid for. “Those guys have been hogging the peak and the conversation for decades.”
The Fake Expert Weighs In
Dr. Brett Onshore of the Institute for Recreational Humility praised the move. “Our data shows Venice has the highest concentration of unsolicited surf advice in the Western Hemisphere, narrowly beating a single pier in San Diego. A board length cap is the only humane intervention.”
His institute estimates that limiting board length could reduce ambient smugness along the Venice boardwalk by as much as 71 percent within a single fiscal quarter, freeing up valuable airspace currently occupied by the phrase “back in my day.”
Enforcement Challenges
Officials concede enforcement will be difficult. The Vibe Authority has only three employees, all of whom are described as “between jobs and journeys.” Measuring boards requires a tape measure, an item reportedly banned in Venice in 2019 for being “too linear.”
The broader story of California beach regulation has been covered seriously by outlets tracking state coastal policy, and the science of wave dynamics is documented by bodies such as the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, neither of which has weighed in on confidence as a measurable coastal hazard.
For now, longboarders are organizing. A protest paddle-out is planned, in which participants will float on boards of exactly six feet while emanating, in the words of one organizer, “as much suppressed glide energy as legally permitted.” British readers seeking comparable bureaucratic absurdity are directed to The London Prat.
The ordinance takes effect at the next high tide, assuming anyone in Venice can agree on when that is.
The History Of Venice Vibe Legislation
The board-length ban is only the latest in a long tradition of Venice attempting to legislate intangible qualities. In 2017, the city briefly outlawed “bad energy” near the skate park, an ordinance struck down when no one could agree on a unit of measurement. In 2020, a proposal to tax “main character behavior” passed committee before collapsing under the realization that it would bankrupt the entire boardwalk.
“Venice has always governed the ungovernable,” explained local historian Dot Pacifica. “We are the only city in America with a Department of Vibes. Other cities have public works. We have public feelings. It is chaotic, but it is ours.”
The Underground Longboard Economy
Within days of the ban, a black market for oversized boards emerged. Longboards are now reportedly being smuggled in surfboard-shaped duffel bags labeled “definitely not a longboard.” A speakeasy-style surf shop operating behind a juice bar offers nine-footers to those who know the password, which is, fittingly, “glide.”
“We are not criminals,” insisted one underground board dealer, who asked to be identified only as The Waxman. “We are providers. People need to glide. You cannot legislate glide out of the human heart. I have seen grown men weep for the want of a proper nose ride.”
Vibe enforcement officers, all three of them, admit they are overwhelmed. “We cannot be everywhere,” said one, who was at the time lying in a hammock. “And honestly, who are we to deny a man his glide. I got into vibe enforcement to spread good energy, not to take away the longboards. This whole thing has put me in a real headspace.”
The Compromise Proposal
A moderate faction on the board has floated a compromise: boards may exceed six feet, but owners must wear a small badge reading “I Am Aware This Is A Lot Of Board.” The proposal aims to preserve glide while flagging excess confidence to the public. Longboarders have rejected it as “humiliating,” which the board considers the entire point.
The Cultural Stakes
Beyond the immediate dispute, the Venice board-length ban has become a referendum on what the boardwalk is for. Cultural observers note that Venice has always been a stage as much as a beach, a place where the line between recreation and performance dissolved decades ago. The longboarders argue they are guardians of tradition. The shortboarders argue tradition is just confidence that got old. The Vibe Authority, caught between them, has scheduled a community listening session that is expected to resolve nothing and last four hours. “There is no winning here,” admitted Commissioner Reign, briefly abandoning her yoga pose. “There is only vibing, and the vibing is, at present, extremely tense. We may need to bring in a mediator. The mediator will also need to be vibed. It is mediators all the way down.”
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/
More boardwalk bedlam at The Onion.