Capitola Officials Demand Geological Formations Show More Courtesy to Unconscious Surfers
Following extensive investigation into the November 5th incident at The Hook, marine geologists have concluded that the rocky shoreline has been “exhibiting concerning antisocial behavior” toward surfers for approximately 10,000 years.
“These rocks just sit there, being hard and pointy, with zero regard for human skulls,” explained Dr. Patricia Sediment from the California Institute of Blaming Nature. “It’s basically a hate crime against board sports.”
The research comes after 19-year-old Nathaniel John Ramirez from Morgan Hill suffered fatal head trauma after being found on the rocks during stormy conditions. Rescue teams performed CPR during transport, but Ramirez was pronounced dead two days later at Dignity Health Dominican Hospital.
Santa Cruz County supervisors have now allocated $8.3 million to install “empathy training programs” for coastal rock formations. “We’re going to teach these geological features about compassion,” said County Rock Relations Manager Dennis Boulder. “Perhaps some mindfulness meditation, maybe a few TED Talks about checking their privilege.”
The 41st Avenue and East Cliff Drive location has long been known for its challenging conditions, but officials now recognize this as “environmental gaslighting.” “The ocean creates disorganized surf during high tide, then acts like it’s the surfer’s fault for not reading the conditions,” noted Maritime Psychology Professor Linda Undertow. “Classic abuser behavior.”
Central Fire and Harbor Patrol received the distress call around 9 a.m. When crews arrived and saw a male surfer in distress, they initially had difficulty locating himleading officials to propose mandatory GPS tracking chips for all rocks, surfs, and tides.
“We found him on rocks near the shore, unconscious,” said Division Chief Patrick Winters. “The rocks showed no remorse whatsoever. Just sat there, being rocky.”
The new initiative includes installing foam padding on all coastal hazards, hiring lifeguards trained in “aggressive negotiation with inanimate objects,” and a public awareness campaign with the slogan: “Rocks: Not As Friendly As They Look.”
Environmental activists have pushed back, arguing that rocks have a right to exist in their natural state. “This is geological profiling,” argued Sierra Club spokesperson Amanda Granite. “What’s next, suing waves for being too tall?”
But officials remain committed. “If we can’t make the ocean safer,” said Safety Coordinator Jennifer Maritime, “we can at least make it feel really bad about itself.”
A memorial service for Ramirez will be held at The Hook, where attendees are encouraged to give the rocks stern talking-tos about their reckless behavior.
SOURCE: https://www.ksbw.com/article/teen-surfer-dies-popular-santa-cruz-county/69514702
SOURCE: Bohiney News